You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
