He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I said "one day" and that day is not today
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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