But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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