i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
