His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
