I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
