I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
