i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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