if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We're too hungover to prance.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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