Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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