This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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