I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
