He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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