On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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