Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
