I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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