i think my tv is drunk
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
