I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
