OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
