I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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