this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
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