i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
