I like my sex mixed with concussions.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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