You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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