Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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