just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
