please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize