The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
