apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
