it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
