I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
