i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
