I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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