tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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