Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
ugly people sure do ruin things
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize