Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
