We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
