im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize