Who wears a wallet chain?!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
