I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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