last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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