You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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