Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
