i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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