we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
