I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
In America we eat man semen.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
