Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We don't watch enough power rangers
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize