What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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