Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
