WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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