drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize