i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
