While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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