proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize