thus making me awesome and them whores
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
