we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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