you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
