Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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