I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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