I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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