Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
