my shit smells like andre
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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