I wanna bring you to show and tell
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
