After last night, I could never be a politician.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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