I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
