textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
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