Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
