We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
