My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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