watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
