Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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