I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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