My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
