the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
