i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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