guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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