Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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