He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
