I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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