We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
